The title says it all, let's get into it!
Damon - Stake her. Rip her head off... something poetic.
Stefan - I'm not going to fight you.
Damon - Why? I'd fight me.
Stefan - I'm just glad that's a blood bag and not a sorority girl supplying your dinner.
Damon - What the hell is up with that family? They're not vampires, then what the hell are they?
Stefan - Oh, maybe they're ninja turtles
Damon - You're not funny.
Stefan - Or zombies. Warewolves.
Damon - No comedic timing at all.
Stefan - What? ... What are you up to?
Damon - Since this is reality and there's no such thing as warewolves or combat turtles--
Stefan - It was a ninja turtle, actually.
Damon - You know, this whole preteding to hate me thing is starting to get old.
Ric - I don't think she's pretending, you did kill her brother.
Damon - There is a huge astrix next to that statement, he came back to life.
Damon - That bitch is dead.
Damon - Watch me.
Caroline - Why are you looking at him with your serious vampire look?
Stefan - My what? My serious vampire look?
Caroline - Yeah, its different from your worried vampire look, but not too far from your hey its Tuesday look.
Mason - I've heard great things about you
Damon - Really? That's weird, 'cos I'm a dick.
Mason - I have no control when I shift.
Damon - What, no obedience school?
Damon - What are you doing?
Stefan - Negotiating peace on your behalf.
Damon - But I don't want peace
Stefan - Well then, consider it opposite day.
Stefan - You're staring.
Elana - I'm gazing.
Stefan - Its creepy.
Damon - You, little witch, are going to get over yourself and help us.
Stefan - Yeah, he meant that as a question, with a please on the end.
Bonnie - What's going on?
Jeremy - We're going to kill Katherine.
Stefan - I can explain.
Bonnie - Please do.
Stefan - ...We're going to kill Katherine.
Katherine - The three of us together, just like old times. The brother who loved me too much, and the one who didn't love me enough.
Damon - And the evil slut vampire who only loved herself.
Stefan - Thank you for helping me.
Damon - Can we not do the whole road trip bonding thing? The cliche of it all makes me itch.
Caroline - You have a friend?
Stefan - You say that with such a disconcerting amount of surprise, Caroline.
Ric - Well, I'm naked, so I'm gonna go.
Katherine - Please, come in, there's plenty of room for all of us.
Damon - I'd rather poke my eyes out.
Elena - Well, you guys sound like you have it all planned out.
Damon - I know, we're awesome.
Jeremy - I'm home, okay? I don't need an escort to my room.
Bonnie - I don't know, between here and upstairs, there's still time for you to do something stupid.
Elena - Do you think this is funny?
Damon - Yes, Elena, I find hilarity in the lengths I have to go to repeatedly save your life.
Jeremy - Then who's on Tyler Lockwood and the full moon?
Damon - Vampire barbie asked if she could handle it and I said why not? Figured if she screwed up he'd bite her and that'd take care of two of my problems.
Damon - What are you doing here?
Stefan - Waiting for you. Listen, there's a lot of people here, don't--
Damon - Oh damn, there goes my plan to rip her spleen through her back.
Rose - I'm sorry.
Damon - You went on a murderous rampage... it happens.
Caroline - Everyone needs to just stop kissing me!
Elana - What are we going to do?
Damon - Kill him.
Elana - Damon!
Damon - I'm joking... okay, I'm a little serious.
Elana - We just need answers, please don't do anything stupid.
Damon - But stupid is so much more fun.
Ric - Yeah, that Elijah is one scary dude... but with nice hair.
Stefan - Wow, Damon, are you telling me you're actually going to be careful for once?
Damon - Yes, Stefan, I've become you. How tragic for both of us. Gotta run, have a murder to plan, busy day.
Stefan - What are you doing?
Damon - Its some kind of crazy-ass psychic witch attack!
Klaus - Who is this guy again?
Katherine - He's the local vampire hunter.
Klaus - Well, that explains the clothing.
Elijah - Yes, Klaus is my brother.
Elana - I heard that, I'm still processing.
Elijah - I'm a little behind the times, but I believe the term you're searching for is OMG.
Damon's One Liners
- I've got a better idea, I'm just going to ignore the bitch.
- I kissed you, I thought you kissed me back, doppelganger hijinks ensued... how do you think I'm doing?
- No, I'm not upset. Upset is an emotion specific to those who care.
- Let's see who intervenes, maybe its the supernaturally ambiguous mystery uncle.
- If this wolf-man thing is true, I've seen enough movies to know its not good.
- If we start believing in some supernatural witchy-woo legend from a picture book, we're idiots.
- Katherine's with Mason Lockwood. Warewolf thing aside, the guy's a surfer. She's got to be using him
- If you're going to be maudlin, I'll kill you myself just to put me out of your misery.
- What's the point, its not going to change anything, its not going to make me good, make me adopt a puppy.
- You better watch your back, 'cos I might just have to go get a hero hairdo of my own and steel your thunder.
- My brother, the peacemaker... Since Stefan got here before me, I'm going to let him try it his way, before I resort to my way, which is a little bloodier.
- There's no such thing as a bad idea, just poorly executed awesome ones.
- I'm going to be honest with you. Don't mistake the fact that we haven't set you on fire in your sleep for trust.
- We're going to need a cover story. Epileptic fit, alcohol binge, banana peel, whatever works, but right now I have to get him out of here.
- Come on, you remember the last decade dance. The vampires were all like "argh" and you were all like "ah!"