Thursday, August 21, 2008

Fighting the Doubt

My self-imposed deadline for emailing The Agent to enquire about the status of my manuscript came and went three days ago. It's pretty out of character for me to be so hesitant, usually I can't help myself when it comes to emailig prospective agents for news. This time around, I just can't bring myself to even think about writing that email. A huge part of me has been taken over by the doubt-demons and I don't want to know that answer becuase I'm really afraid it's going to be another 'no.' I've had (and still do) high hopes for this manuscript, it's got a little something about it that other manuscripts I've worked on haven't.
Regardless of that, I don't want to be told 'no' by any more agents, especially when the 'no' comes with a 'it's really good but we just don't feel passionate about it.'
I suppose in some ways it's not surprising that I've gotten to this point, a person can only get so many rejections before it starts wearing on their confidence in themselves and their writing. Like a boulder out in the weather, over the years the wind and rain will eventually wear it down to nothing but granules of sand. It may not happen fast enough for the naked eye to perceive, but it is happening and one day you go out and see that where once there was a huge unmovable object, now it's become something you can pick up and move around.
In kind of the same way, I didn't recognise that my confidence was being worn down until I suddenly realised I couldn't bring myself to write to The Agent. My self doubt told me to leave it a little bit longer before I get another 'no.' Hopefully I'll get over this in the near future and actually do something about emailing The Agent because my proactive side thinks this is a crap way to be.

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