Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Sick Again

The title says it all.
After being so well while I was pregnant and breastfeeding, my endometriosis has returned with a vengeance. In some ways its worse now that I have a baby to worry about. If I get sick my husband has to take the day off work to look after her, and this time around its harder to recover from an 'attack' with continually getting up through the night and being on my toes 24/7 looking after a baby. My husband does help a lot. I'm really very lucky to have him. But still, the worries I had about my health suffering and rippling out to affect other things in my life once I'd had a baby have been founded. I always wanted a big family, three or four kids, but because of my health, it seems I can barely cope with one! And anyway, I was always warned that I wouldn't be able to have kids at all. Now I wonder if our daughter wasn't a miracle and we might never be able to get pregnant again. At least we have her, but I do hope she doesn't have to be an only child.
Meanwhile, although I'm only working in my parent's shop at the moment, I still feel horrible and guilty when they all have to organize themselves around me because I'm sick again. I really hope that it's the last job I ever have to do. I need to get my manuscripts published so I can work from home. I can't physically cope with full-time hours (believe me, I've tried. I ended up in hospital) and I just can't see myself continuing on this vein. Now, more than ever, that I've got my daughter relying on me, I just can't afford to get sick over and over. Its going to wear me down, both physically and emotionally.
So here's me praying to God, or the angels, or whoever it is out there who listens to prayers: please, let this time around be 'the one'. Let someone take on my work so this weight will be lifted off my shoulders and I can go forward knowing that I'll be bringing in some form of income (sure, it won't be much, but it'll be something.), that I won't have the stress of having to find another job, only to know I'll potentially loose it because I take too many sick days. That I won't have to spend half my daughter's life in bed because I was too sick to get up. I don't want her to see me that way. I want to be healthy and happy for her, more than anything.

2 comments:

Cafrine said...

Feel better bud.

Try not to feel too guilty about your family having to re-organise around you. It's not your fault you're sick, and they love you and want you well. Me too.

But here's to selling manuscripts and working from home! (And the end of endo which is a foul, evil, horrid little monster and we have to gang up and kill it because seriously, it sucks. )

lynn said...

I hope you feel better--I'll be praying for you.